We need NEW black women: in our homes, families and society

Last in the series

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We’ve looked at why NEW black women should emerge to salvage black society in love, relationships and sex. This is not to say, black men are absolved from any responsibility, however, it is admitting that the crack that led to the sinking of this “black image” ship was through the woman. Again, once you’ve collected enough knowledge about South African apartheid history, and how its sole purpose was to strip the black person of everything, and then mentally degenerating him enough that he also believed he was worthless- then you will know that the foundation for this was in breaking up the black family structure. First women became household heads by force, then children became fatherless by force, then men became hostel-bachelors and migrant labourers, by force.

Black families need a strong principled matriarch figure

The matriarch era probably began during the land dispossession wars. This trend didn’t end rather it exacerbated. Post the wars came the land tax and migrant labouring, with black men taken to go work in mines. Remember, diamond and gold were discovered in the 1800s and platinum in the early 1900s. More than a century before 1948, the inaction of apartheid. This system created a clocking routine for men and women in their interactions, procreation and overall presence in the home. Father was only home once a year, sometimes once in 2 years. The only men around were chiefs and chiefs men, and those who worked in farms. It was only through principled behaviour and morals, that women were able to play both the male and female role, whilst raising children who turned out great under those circumstances. Black men did not resort to crime, nor rape women because their fathers were not around. Black women did not go around dressed half naked, turn to alcohol and drugs because they suffered from “single parent home syndrome”

It is the woman who builds, whilst the man leads

The saying that goes “behind every successful man is a strong woman” is not a fallacy. Men often need a solid ground where they can plant a seed that can grow into strong roots. This becomes their constant, their comfort, solace, security and sanity. It is the woman who steers a man into a straight and narrow direction that builds him up into success. Equally, an unprincipled, empty and vain woman will do the direct opposite - distract, destroy and dismantle. This becomes the very reason why, black women need to go back and unlearn the lessons left behind by migrant labour, feminism and independence. Once black women embrace black men, from this point alone, the first battle would be won. This is the very thing that has stripped men of their sense of belonging, sense of responsibility and direction. When black women relinquish power in homes and relationships, men will have space to take on this power, embrace their masculinity and regain confidence.

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This can come in many different forms:

• Have the gender role conversation with your partner early on in your relationship

• Don’t dangle independence at every conversation you have or at every date

• Learn and understand what submission is and how to practice it in your day to day relations

• Speak from a place of care and softness than aggression and stubbornness

• Let the man know you believe in him, his abilities, leadership and manhood

• Be patient. Often it will take time for a man to action anything from the point of planning with you. Small gentle reminders here and there, but allow him go execute his plans as per his promises

• When he cannot uphold his promises, reassure him, do not remind him of his failures and his shortcomings.

• Maintain your own life, pursue your own plans, goals or dreams. But do this not to compete with him but to complement him. Every man wants a capable woman, whether as a house wife or a career woman.

• At home at all times, or on the phone or at any given moment, remain subtle and soft. Any argument can be easily subverted just by this. Manner of approach in raising issues is more important than the obsession to be heard.

The intention should always be to build, not destroy.

Both black women and men need to heal

As a nation, we were kept outside of many services and facilities such that therapy has always been seen as a white people thing or rich people thing. However, therapy helps you to make sense of many things, gives you a more reasonable perspective, outside your emotions or thoughts. It gives you an opportunity to internalise issues, process and to release them. Many of the issues that keep creeping up within our black communities are generational, ancestral, and subconscious. Embracing blackness also means healing from what has oppressed blackness and led us to hate it. Embracing our different roles requires facing the not so nice reality of what the current status quo has created in us. It’s coming to terms with the nasty parts, the broken, misunderstood, scary and crazy aspects of who we have become as a race, a nation.

Returning back to zero will take a lot more than just marriage or gender roles, submission or masculinity. It’s a battle likened to a revolution, albeit a mental and moral battle. Whilst many will think this is rubbish and irrelevant, try it out and see if you’ll see differences in your own life.

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